I have been asking God lately to rip away the feelings I have for the man I love...and yet it seems like its roots are deep down and hard to get rid of...it's become a painful process where torn between still loving him, and yet getting away from all the pain. I've never thought being heartbroken can actually feel like physical pain, but it actually does... so much pain it feels like choking me. I have asked God for many things lately, to help me get this love out, to help him forgive me and open his heart again to me, and yet all prayers were left unanswered....like words echoed in the solitude of my heart only... I feel so much regret and hopelessness and powerlessness for not knowing what to do or what to say to make things better, like they used to be... Right now i feel like nothing's gonna be the same anymore, just another example to prove me I'm not worth even of forgiveness and true friendship.
He left now, and i still can't believe he didn't want us to meet, at least for a word of comfort and support, or at least so that he wouldn't leave upset.... I wonder, does he know how much pain I'm going through feeling him closed to me, distant, in his own world, his heart shut away from me? I know i might sound dramatic, and yet among all the apologies I've said, I was left alone, behind like one would leave a burden... which is quite puzzling, since I know it in my heart he is a good man and capable of forgiveness and caring truly for a friend, and yet he couldn't... And it is the more amazingly sad, as I see one more time how months of good deed and feelings and support and great friendship are powerless in front of several minutes of vulnerability and selfishness.... I see one more time that caring for someone is never enough, you still risk hurting his feelings, sending him away in his world where there is no longer a place for me, where I 'm no longer welcomed, no longer family.
People have this tendency of using words lightly, they rarely pay attention to them, some of them give too much hope, just to take it away later, others end up hurting someone's feelings, overall, we, people are not aware of the great power words have, all the promises and feelings they bear with them... Some time ago, when love bloomed in my heart, I was told I am always and forever welcome, as well as family... great words which meant the world to me... and thus the bud turned into flower. Yet, autumn came with its chilly wind covering me in the rustling copper leaves of dying trees. I no longer feel welcome, now it is just the cold feeling of a closed door staring at you... It is so hard to bear no longer being wanted, so hard to let things go after reaching heaven and then falling back to earth.... And all because of words, words I wish I could take back, words that must have hurt his feelings so deeply that he finds it impossible in his heart to open again to me, to really forgive me.... he no longer needs me, or wants to see me, he just speaks to me from time to time, yet he is distant and closed showing me just surfaces and covers.... What could I do to take things back in time, to make him see I am still me and above all, he is still him? Was I such a bad and unreliable and untruthful "friend" that I can be shut away so easily from someone's heart? Maybe I was, in which case, there is not probably much to say anymore...
And yet I so wished I could see him before he left! just to tell him I wish him well, both as health and heart, I wish him all the best my heart could wish someone... to tell him he can still and always trust me, and know he has a friend in me, to ask him to value my friendship as he has always done.
And after so many wishing, I still wish some more....I wish we could be the way we were, before my heart completely shuts itself in a drowning pool of sadness and despair, before my other wish about it turning into stone becomes reality.... And I still wish for something else .... I wish him well, I wish him Heaven on earth, love in his heart, peace in his mind and strength in his body.
No comments:
Post a Comment