I know he no longer sees things this way, yet the way we speak to each other now, it's like everything is controlled by politeness, fear of mistakes...nothing is spontaneous there anymore, nothing is close to real friendship and feelings anymore....I am sad, as I know now more than sure that I have lost a friend, and nothing will bring him back, nothing will be able to open the gates of his heart to let me in again as a friend ....sad holidays that i can barely experience....
I just hope for a miracle, if not from his side, at least some memory loss on my side, some amnesia to help me forget about him totally. I don't regret knowing him, or helping him, i regret suffering now for his rejecting my helping him anymore, his no longer needing me beside him as a friend....this is too hard for me to go through, but i know it in my heart he can't find the feelings he would need to forgive me and to care about me as a friend....in the end it was just a book that ended.....he was the reader, closing the book forever, never feeling the need to open it again...i'm just the book, wishing to be opened and read again.
And yet nothing happens anymore... Do i ask too much? For him to care enough for me to be able to forgive me? We are like too strangers who have nothing in common, and this coming after a time when we were very close...I no longer care about him as a woman would care about a man, yet as a friend I can't feel but hurt at his behaviour- distant, calculated, secluded from me into his world, always showing an apparent friendship, from his point of view having done everything to make things better. And yet he doesn't feel how much is missing from our friendship, or maybe he does, but thinks this is a good price to pay to keep me at a distance....I wouldn't know, as we no longer share anything, all we talk is shallow and superficial.... I miss talking about deeper things with him....but again i was just an episode in his life and the quicker i accept the better it might be for me....
He once said he realized he's toxic for me, meaning seeing him....yet, not seeing him is toxic for me, not sharing the same good quality moments with him is toxic... anyway, it is so toxic that it brought a nuclear winter in my heart, something so bleak and waste and deserted that honestly I don't know what can still heal my heart and when...
And yet deep in my heart I still hold on to his words: "You are Family", and know that we always forgive everything in a family, just hope that in time he can find the power or the will needed for him to forgive me and see me as the same good friend I have always been....I really hate knowing that he feels somehow I betrayed him beyond forgiveness.... if what he once said about me being family was true, then he should be able to open his arms and heart again to me one day...who knows when.... I just want him to be my friend again, and these being said I hope again these lines don't upset or offend him, they are just a way to get some things out of my chest, to help me release the pressure I feel constantly, they are not meant to hurt or to accuse anybody...
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