A very awkward feeling has overcome me lately, a mixture of weakness and blindness, that is becoming stronger and stronger, rendering me weaker and weaker. It's the feeling of helplessness in grasping the people around me. It is so frustrating as the more I have tried the more I have failed in really understanding and sympathizing with them.
It's like a sea of blur and fog has turned into an ocean, driving everybody away, further in the distance. And here I am after years, drifting near an isolated island of solitude, full of wonders and questions, and doubts and the echos of all these as only answers to my whispers. I sometimes try to get a glimpse of the others, to see how they lead their lives and how they connect their little islands into a commercial and social network, based on common shared interests, as well as the use of convenient lies and mockery. After all, they all have something to sell- their image, their individuality, their soul... And what I perceive as being but signs of meanness and arrogance, is in fact, the glue that bonds them together. And I wonder why couldn't I fit in? Why wasn't I able to find the same glue and use it as carelessly and instinctively as they do? They survive and end up feeling good about themselves, at least they look like it, and they don't look back, after all who would like to still have any attachments to an island that is already doomed to drowning? They just keep getting away as fast as they can, no look behind, as if fearing a single look even could somehow make them lose their course and direction...
3 comments:
I always have liked the way you write. This makes me feel very lonely. I love the water pictures, thank you.
Hmm, is the glue really made of what you think? I would bet it's made of every person's inner glow. People search for a resembling glow... Love makes you glow, even if you love another person, a hobby and most important yourself. (You won't be able to love anyone if you don't love yourself). So in my mind you glow as long as you love. If you forget to do that, your soul becomes dusty and everything you see is dust. So it's spring cleaning time! Get rid of your dust!
Dear Crina, you might have misunderstood a bit my message...It is not about loving myself or not, it is just that if there is a discontent that is oriented towards those that have that glue. It is them I am disappointed in not me. Besides, when I said "And what I perceive as being but signs of meanness and arrogance, is in fact, the glue that bonds them together." I really addressed those words to certain people. It was said on purpose- because even though I stretched out my hand to them and I always failed to see the meanness and arrogance and their useless sense of superiority. And if I sound sad, or down, it is not because I wouldn't love myself, but on the contrary, because I love myself to much to still accept certain things I have noticed about people. And if you really want to use the word dust-I'll do that favour to you, but let me tell you something- the dust is exactly the people I was talking about. It is really time to dust them away. It is just that any separation or dusting off is painful sometimes, necessary but painful. (I'm pretty sure you understand)
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