I die a little bit each day

I die a little bit each day, and as moments pass by, I see more and more clearly how wrong I was and how much I hurt him...Don't know exactly how, at least the second time, but from what I see, it is unfortunately certain I hurt him beyond forgiveness. Either he didn't care enough for me to even take the effort to try to forgive me, or he cared about me too much, hence he is more hurt by what I did and unable to find the strength in his heart to forgive me. I don't understand how he can let things go like that each day, not wanting to talk or meet? Or maybe he does want but he really tries hard not to... I wish a simple apology come from the heart could make things better; it is never like that, though. I wish I could understand him better, to know how to avoid saddening him, to be able to help him, by bringing happiness and laughter, and sunshine in his life, not sorrows and regrets. Yet, I find myself powerless and for the first time clueless about what to do. I see a friendship that was once great, and will never return, and yet all I know is that I really want and need our friendship back... Nevertheless, I have no thoughts about how to achieve that...Why is it so hard for people to communicate, to open up and to forgive? Is there love for a friend when one finds it hard to talk to that friend, to take them with their human flaws, with their burdens? I so wished there was someone who accepted me as I am in my worse moments, down and sad, desperate, impulsive? Yet, me with both sides of the coin, not just the happy me all the time? I can't be that all the time, helas... Where have all the good valuable moments between two people gone? are they all buried somewhere? or is it rather that they have perished altogether, or maybe they were overvalued by one side and given more importance and power than they had...?

I wouldn't know....I am still naive and stupid and sometimes do things that hurt people, though sprung from my heart and with good intentions, I end up hurting people...I find myself in a bubble where nothing seems to make sense, at least as they used to... My mind is struggling to understand how this new world works..it is a world where two friends hurt each other, but only one apologizes, and that particular one is exactly the one who doesn't get forgiveness, it is a world where good gestures are questioned and undervalued, bringing about not the forgiveness longed for, but rather an abyss of chaos and torments.

And I react badly to this, sometimes I hide myself under a shell, yet at times, I let things out, and when I do that, I hurt people again,even more- no one really wants to feel they made you cry, no one really likes to feel guilty about making you feel miserable. They react at their turn. Most of the time, they run away, guilty feelings and remorse are not for them. After all, if someone suffers is by their own fault. And at those times they forget they found a friend in you in time of need and sorrow, as well as in time of joy, they just let you be, and start minding their own lives, a little bit emptier, but relieved of the burden of you. No more complications, no more the great joy that friend used to bring, but at the same time, no more problems, no more implications.

And yet in spite of all that's been written, or said, or thought, I die a little bit each day, the more so as I am looking for the future of that friendship...and I see none...at least for now. There are times when certain mistakes can never be forgiven or overcome- they remain there like a scar on someone's soul, shaking their confidence in you, their friendly love for you. They don't mean to harm you, they just can't find the strength to go over that; they see you've been suffering and all they can do is get even more shut away from you.. And all I want is him holding my hand in time of sadness, making me laugh, as well as regaining our friendship as it used to be. I want him to let his joy out when seeing me, to hear he misses me, to see him well, telling me that everything's gonna be ok between us- I'm starting to feel I want too much. He may never want to hear from me again, or if he does, it will be just polite requests and conversation, to keep appearances. It's hard for me especially as I don't even know how I could apologize, or if I did apologize, would it work? could he open again his soul towards me, or that is closed for good?

I don't blame him, I just blame life- ironic as usual, has turned against me the man I have feelings for, not my neighbour, not a colleague of mine, not just anybody I would bring oranges to at the hospital, but exactly the man I care about, the man I thought I could help, by just being around, with words or positive energy and thoughts. I failed at my mission, and now I am looking at the remains of our friendship, unable to tell whether its pieces are ever going to be put together again. I read once that broken friendship is like broken glass- you can try putting it back together, but there are always the cracks remaining... Could it be true? Is it true our friendship, no matter how great and deep and true it was, will never be the same? I would pray God to help our friendship be the same. I actually have been praying to God to help our friendship, to help him forgive me and show me what to do right, not to hurt him ever again. And yet my impulses and selfishness are strong. I react to his being distant to me, and by doing that I hurt him again... I need being humble, I need God to help me regain his friendship, no matter how little important this may seem in the large scheme of the universe, for my peace, and for his...

Falling for fall

I've fallen for fall....



















A couple of days ago, alone and quite down, I let myself be drawn outside by the warm but gentle rays of the sun... It didn't seem a pleasant perspective at first, as the sun was too bright and the day too nice for my soul. Sometimes when I am sad seeing bright, flowery things makes me even sadder, so going out seemed rather hard.






































Yet despite my troubled soul or exactly because of the torments that stormed it, I suddenly perceived fall as a season friend to my heart... After all, fall is a season symbolizing richness but also closure, ending. When in fall of life, people usually know end is coming, similarly, fall regarded as season, is the bridge towards the final stage of nature- hibernation, death... And though dressed up in golden copper colours, I felt fall in my heart as something soothing, like a music that played for my heart's river, it didn't contradict my pains and sorrows, and my regrets and troubles, it rather gave them more power, making them deeper and stronger.





















I found a friend in fall, a unique friend that didn't let me down, but rather embraced me as I am, selfish and stupid at times, possessive, jealous many times, shy and closed, in love, hurt, idealistic, strange, pessimistic... all that and many others that so many times made me not such a good friend to others, not such a good friend to myself even... yet, fall confided in me its secrets... and so I fell for fall... for its colours, its fragrance, its promises of end coming...

lonely path

A child is born....the joy of family and all creation, he steps into the world with hesitation at first, yet fueled by a great curiosity to know things. The first thing that he sees is a pair of blue eyes- his mother eyes: two luminescent globes of blue skies and smiles in them. All the wonder of seeing him is mirrored in her eyes. And then in time the eyes have a gentle hand that caresses him and miraculously heals his injuries. That same hand feeds him wonders- golden apples and red delicious strawberries, dark purple grapes and heavily delicate raspberries.... Then there is the mouth-this miraculous device that makes sounds while enchanting the child's ears. And thus he finds out about the world- there is a whole new universe out there waiting for him to discover it veil by veil. The stories open his mind's eyes beyond any boundaries- he hears about miracles, and fairies and monsters and how evil is always defeated by good....

Time at first, for this child is nothing more than NOW, tomorrow at best, in case he is some kind of visionary...and NOW is lived to the maximum, no regrets, no doubts, as such notions are still outside the child's universe. Ironically as it may seem, as time passes, with discovery come regrets, doubts and a lot more questions and insecurities. The wonders he used to see in that pair of blue eyes, in the gentle gestures of that hand have long faded away....The child's eyes have, in the meantime, adapted to the dark... and while seeing in the dark, the light blinds him to the point of hurting him.

This darkness has become his daily reality, the horizons, he once dreamed of exploring, have brought but clouds and shadows and unclear lines... the shapes of things have lost their line, the meanings have altered and the child, a man now, has started seeking comfort in his routine. Routine and certain things have come to rule his life now...The miracles of soul and mind, the aspiration for a better self through exploration and reverence for the others, the faith that needs no proof the child used to have are no longer there.....

Instead, you have a burdened man, wandering about aimlessly.... he would, once in a while, feel he has a purpose in everything he does, but watched from above, or outside, he would probably be nothing more than an ant after its mound has been just carried away by waters. And despite all these insecurities and wandering into the dark....he would still take this over the delicate line of light he barely sees at the horizon...it has become a matter of habit and daily routine for him...he's quite comfortable as long as he finds other ants just like him, or even worse...he can become even the king of his "mound"...why go beyond, into something which would surely somehow, challenge him, to a point where he no longer wants to go back- the first years of his life, when things were much simpler, and yet so much closer to that line of light? After all, he has turned into a cynical who has seen evil outside the pages of a book, and who, lo longer protected by the magical hands of his mother, has suffered pain and loneliness, and desperation and who, thus, has come to find comfort in shallowness, pettiness, turning his back to the light. He's too afraid and ashamed and burdened and lonely to ever tread towards the light- he couldn't find the path anyway...he's like the captain of a ship during a storm...you see the lighthouse somewhere at great distance, but winds and waves and fear of rocky cliffs will keep him away forever...or what it seemed forever. Eventually he will end up the shore, but by the time he finally gets there he's powerless- an old man looking back at all his aimless wandering, trembling with disease and hesitation, his mind already in the fog of time.

....

A very awkward feeling has overcome me lately, a mixture of weakness and blindness, that is becoming stronger and stronger, rendering me weaker and weaker. It's the feeling of helplessness in grasping the people around me. It is so frustrating as the more I have tried the more I have failed in really understanding and sympathizing with them.
It's like a sea of blur and fog has turned into an ocean, driving everybody away, further in the distance. And here I am after years, drifting near an isolated island of solitude, full of wonders and questions, and doubts and the echos of all these as only answers to my whispers. I sometimes try to get a glimpse of the others, to see how they lead their lives and how they connect their little islands into a commercial and social network, based on common shared interests, as well as the use of convenient lies and mockery. After all, they all have something to sell- their image, their individuality, their soul... And what I perceive as being but signs of meanness and arrogance, is in fact, the glue that bonds them together. And I wonder why couldn't I fit in? Why wasn't I able to find the same glue and use it as carelessly and instinctively as they do? They survive and end up feeling good about themselves, at least they look like it, and they don't look back, after all who would like to still have any attachments to an island that is already doomed to drowning? They just keep getting away as fast as they can, no look behind, as if fearing a single look even could somehow make them lose their course and direction...

Candy love

As everybody knows, the Romanian version of Saint Valentine is rushing rapidly upon the pages of our agendas, and so, as appropriately, this post is about "dragobete", or to better put it about what this holiday and tradition stands for.
First of all I just want to point out that personally, I find it quite hard to associate February with such profound, intense and beautiful feeling as they say love is. Who could imagine love as being something happening in a chilly, sometimes foggy or even snowy February day? Love is about blooming, about fragrance and warm, caressing wind, it is about spring and the coming to life of your soul, now reunited with its destined Half. And if love is not about spring, then it might be about the sweet, cherries smiling down on you from their green palace of branches, it's about heat and passion, about long nights and golden days, about the smell of salty sand and ocean...


But if none of these are at our disposal in such a beautiful month like February, maybe some substitutes provided by our mind could induce a bit the idea of love. Our mind can but imagine the sweet taste of candy love, a walk under the moonlit trees along the isolate lakes, or if preferences are rather oriented towards such exquisite things as Shakespeare's sonnets, or medieval, chivalry love, then the image of some strange love potion could take our thoughts far away...






















But if you are in love then you no longer need the strives of the mind to paint these things for you. They'll be there for you, no matter if it's just another month of February, no matter if those around you reject love as they would plague, and again no matter how much you might have suffered because of love...because somehow any deception you might have had in life is but another feather that would turn you into a Phoenix in the end.