The rest is silence

Late at night …. again, c**ing…. this time not even understanding what I did wrong…. all I feel and know is that an ocean came between us, even more, we seem to be on separate worlds, we no longer speak the same language, have the same thoughts and feelings, and above all we do not even know each other anymore.

Yesterday morning I was so happy…he was gonna return home, safe and sound and with strength in his heart, I was happy things seemed better between us; thus I was urged to make a welcoming gesture…. that somehow made things worse in the end…I am still puzzled how a gesture sprung from the heart and filled with love and positive thoughts might have been almost perceived as bribery for friendship…. Besides, it was also perceived as a gesture anyone could have done, thus making it clear that what I did has little value…. It no longer meant what it would have some weeks ago, now in the best sense was perceived as a gesture people do for a sick person in hospital. I was an anyone for him, no more that special friend he used to turn to. In the worse case, it might have been seen as a rope trying to strangle him into feelings he no longer has for me…like a sort of I am being nice to you, you should do the same thing. Which if you don’t feel it in the heart, it is very difficult to fake.

In fact to be honest, I don’t even know if I got his reaction right…he seemed to insist too much on my not having to do that…the whole thing just left a bitter taste behind…I might have got his reaction wrong and thus made things worse when I spoke, I might have got his reaction right, still making things worse by speaking. I don’t even know…I no longer know if he’s upset or not, I don’t know if he’s still upset about what happened 3 weeks ago or yesterday is also a cause…. I am in a labyrinth where the only clues are my sadness and tears. I have come to be afraid to talk to him, not knowing what to say or not, to avoid upsetting him, or even better to obtain his forgiveness…I miss his happiness when seeing me, his smile, the confidence I could gave him through my words and friendship…It’s all starting to seem ancient history now…there is no longer any friendship, no family, no welcome….just bitter feelings, regrets, words unspoken when they should be, and words said when silence would have been a better choice. All that was beautiful once has remained buried somewhere under a debris of bitter feelings and nothing seems able to bring it to light, rekindling our great friendship. And then I start wondering if our friendship was ever that great, how can it be all gone locked forever in stoned hearts?

And yet my tears are the only answer I get, the rest is silence and dark, an awfully lot of dark…