I die a little bit each day

I die a little bit each day, and as moments pass by, I see more and more clearly how wrong I was and how much I hurt him...Don't know exactly how, at least the second time, but from what I see, it is unfortunately certain I hurt him beyond forgiveness. Either he didn't care enough for me to even take the effort to try to forgive me, or he cared about me too much, hence he is more hurt by what I did and unable to find the strength in his heart to forgive me. I don't understand how he can let things go like that each day, not wanting to talk or meet? Or maybe he does want but he really tries hard not to... I wish a simple apology come from the heart could make things better; it is never like that, though. I wish I could understand him better, to know how to avoid saddening him, to be able to help him, by bringing happiness and laughter, and sunshine in his life, not sorrows and regrets. Yet, I find myself powerless and for the first time clueless about what to do. I see a friendship that was once great, and will never return, and yet all I know is that I really want and need our friendship back... Nevertheless, I have no thoughts about how to achieve that...Why is it so hard for people to communicate, to open up and to forgive? Is there love for a friend when one finds it hard to talk to that friend, to take them with their human flaws, with their burdens? I so wished there was someone who accepted me as I am in my worse moments, down and sad, desperate, impulsive? Yet, me with both sides of the coin, not just the happy me all the time? I can't be that all the time, helas... Where have all the good valuable moments between two people gone? are they all buried somewhere? or is it rather that they have perished altogether, or maybe they were overvalued by one side and given more importance and power than they had...?

I wouldn't know....I am still naive and stupid and sometimes do things that hurt people, though sprung from my heart and with good intentions, I end up hurting people...I find myself in a bubble where nothing seems to make sense, at least as they used to... My mind is struggling to understand how this new world works..it is a world where two friends hurt each other, but only one apologizes, and that particular one is exactly the one who doesn't get forgiveness, it is a world where good gestures are questioned and undervalued, bringing about not the forgiveness longed for, but rather an abyss of chaos and torments.

And I react badly to this, sometimes I hide myself under a shell, yet at times, I let things out, and when I do that, I hurt people again,even more- no one really wants to feel they made you cry, no one really likes to feel guilty about making you feel miserable. They react at their turn. Most of the time, they run away, guilty feelings and remorse are not for them. After all, if someone suffers is by their own fault. And at those times they forget they found a friend in you in time of need and sorrow, as well as in time of joy, they just let you be, and start minding their own lives, a little bit emptier, but relieved of the burden of you. No more complications, no more the great joy that friend used to bring, but at the same time, no more problems, no more implications.

And yet in spite of all that's been written, or said, or thought, I die a little bit each day, the more so as I am looking for the future of that friendship...and I see none...at least for now. There are times when certain mistakes can never be forgiven or overcome- they remain there like a scar on someone's soul, shaking their confidence in you, their friendly love for you. They don't mean to harm you, they just can't find the strength to go over that; they see you've been suffering and all they can do is get even more shut away from you.. And all I want is him holding my hand in time of sadness, making me laugh, as well as regaining our friendship as it used to be. I want him to let his joy out when seeing me, to hear he misses me, to see him well, telling me that everything's gonna be ok between us- I'm starting to feel I want too much. He may never want to hear from me again, or if he does, it will be just polite requests and conversation, to keep appearances. It's hard for me especially as I don't even know how I could apologize, or if I did apologize, would it work? could he open again his soul towards me, or that is closed for good?

I don't blame him, I just blame life- ironic as usual, has turned against me the man I have feelings for, not my neighbour, not a colleague of mine, not just anybody I would bring oranges to at the hospital, but exactly the man I care about, the man I thought I could help, by just being around, with words or positive energy and thoughts. I failed at my mission, and now I am looking at the remains of our friendship, unable to tell whether its pieces are ever going to be put together again. I read once that broken friendship is like broken glass- you can try putting it back together, but there are always the cracks remaining... Could it be true? Is it true our friendship, no matter how great and deep and true it was, will never be the same? I would pray God to help our friendship be the same. I actually have been praying to God to help our friendship, to help him forgive me and show me what to do right, not to hurt him ever again. And yet my impulses and selfishness are strong. I react to his being distant to me, and by doing that I hurt him again... I need being humble, I need God to help me regain his friendship, no matter how little important this may seem in the large scheme of the universe, for my peace, and for his...