Saturday, November 5, 2011

I die a little bit each day

I die a little bit each day, and as moments pass by, I see more and more clearly how wrong I was and how much I hurt him...Don't know exactly how, at least the second time, but from what I see, it is unfortunately certain I hurt him beyond forgiveness. Either he didn't care enough for me to even take the effort to try to forgive me, or he cared about me too much, hence he is more hurt by what I did and unable to find the strength in his heart to forgive me. I don't understand how he can let things go like that each day, not wanting to talk or meet? Or maybe he does want but he really tries hard not to... I wish a simple apology come from the heart could make things better; it is never like that, though. I wish I could understand him better, to know how to avoid saddening him, to be able to help him, by bringing happiness and laughter, and sunshine in his life, not sorrows and regrets. Yet, I find myself powerless and for the first time clueless about what to do. I see a friendship that was once great, and will never return, and yet all I know is that I really want and need our friendship back... Nevertheless, I have no thoughts about how to achieve that...Why is it so hard for people to communicate, to open up and to forgive? Is there love for a friend when one finds it hard to talk to that friend, to take them with their human flaws, with their burdens? I so wished there was someone who accepted me as I am in my worse moments, down and sad, desperate, impulsive? Yet, me with both sides of the coin, not just the happy me all the time? I can't be that all the time, helas... Where have all the good valuable moments between two people gone? are they all buried somewhere? or is it rather that they have perished altogether, or maybe they were overvalued by one side and given more importance and power than they had...?

I wouldn't know....I am still naive and stupid and sometimes do things that hurt people, though sprung from my heart and with good intentions, I end up hurting people...I find myself in a bubble where nothing seems to make sense, at least as they used to... My mind is struggling to understand how this new world is a world where two friends hurt each other, but only one apologizes, and that particular one is exactly the one who doesn't get forgiveness, it is a world where good gestures are questioned and undervalued, bringing about not the forgiveness longed for, but rather an abyss of chaos and torments.

And I react badly to this, sometimes I hide myself under a shell, yet at times, I let things out, and when I do that, I hurt people again,even more- no one really wants to feel they made you cry, no one really likes to feel guilty about making you feel miserable. They react at their turn. Most of the time, they run away, guilty feelings and remorse are not for them. After all, if someone suffers is by their own fault. And at those times they forget they found a friend in you in time of need and sorrow, as well as in time of joy, they just let you be, and start minding their own lives, a little bit emptier, but relieved of the burden of you. No more complications, no more the great joy that friend used to bring, but at the same time, no more problems, no more implications.

And yet in spite of all that's been written, or said, or thought, I die a little bit each day, the more so as I am looking for the future of that friendship...and I see least for now. There are times when certain mistakes can never be forgiven or overcome- they remain there like a scar on someone's soul, shaking their confidence in you, their friendly love for you. They don't mean to harm you, they just can't find the strength to go over that; they see you've been suffering and all they can do is get even more shut away from you.. And all I want is him holding my hand in time of sadness, making me laugh, as well as regaining our friendship as it used to be. I want him to let his joy out when seeing me, to hear he misses me, to see him well, telling me that everything's gonna be ok between us- I'm starting to feel I want too much. He may never want to hear from me again, or if he does, it will be just polite requests and conversation, to keep appearances. It's hard for me especially as I don't even know how I could apologize, or if I did apologize, would it work? could he open again his soul towards me, or that is closed for good?

I don't blame him, I just blame life- ironic as usual, has turned against me the man I have feelings for, not my neighbour, not a colleague of mine, not just anybody I would bring oranges to at the hospital, but exactly the man I care about, the man I thought I could help, by just being around, with words or positive energy and thoughts. I failed at my mission, and now I am looking at the remains of our friendship, unable to tell whether its pieces are ever going to be put together again. I read once that broken friendship is like broken glass- you can try putting it back together, but there are always the cracks remaining... Could it be true? Is it true our friendship, no matter how great and deep and true it was, will never be the same? I would pray God to help our friendship be the same. I actually have been praying to God to help our friendship, to help him forgive me and show me what to do right, not to hurt him ever again. And yet my impulses and selfishness are strong. I react to his being distant to me, and by doing that I hurt him again... I need being humble, I need God to help me regain his friendship, no matter how little important this may seem in the large scheme of the universe, for my peace, and for his...

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The rest is silence

Late at night …. again, c**ing…. this time not even understanding what I did wrong…. all I feel and know is that an ocean came between us, even more, we seem to be on separate worlds, we no longer speak the same language, have the same thoughts and feelings, and above all we do not even know each other anymore.

Yesterday morning I was so happy…he was gonna return home, safe and sound and with strength in his heart, I was happy things seemed better between us; thus I was urged to make a welcoming gesture…. that somehow made things worse in the end…I am still puzzled how a gesture sprung from the heart and filled with love and positive thoughts might have been almost perceived as bribery for friendship…. Besides, it was also perceived as a gesture anyone could have done, thus making it clear that what I did has little value…. It no longer meant what it would have some weeks ago, now in the best sense was perceived as a gesture people do for a sick person in hospital. I was an anyone for him, no more that special friend he used to turn to. In the worse case, it might have been seen as a rope trying to strangle him into feelings he no longer has for me…like a sort of I am being nice to you, you should do the same thing. Which if you don’t feel it in the heart, it is very difficult to fake.

In fact to be honest, I don’t even know if I got his reaction right…he seemed to insist too much on my not having to do that…the whole thing just left a bitter taste behind…I might have got his reaction wrong and thus made things worse when I spoke, I might have got his reaction right, still making things worse by speaking. I don’t even know…I no longer know if he’s upset or not, I don’t know if he’s still upset about what happened 3 weeks ago or yesterday is also a cause…. I am in a labyrinth where the only clues are my sadness and tears. I have come to be afraid to talk to him, not knowing what to say or not, to avoid upsetting him, or even better to obtain his forgiveness…I miss his happiness when seeing me, his smile, the confidence I could gave him through my words and friendship…It’s all starting to seem ancient history now…there is no longer any friendship, no family, no welcome….just bitter feelings, regrets, words unspoken when they should be, and words said when silence would have been a better choice. All that was beautiful once has remained buried somewhere under a debris of bitter feelings and nothing seems able to bring it to light, rekindling our great friendship. And then I start wondering if our friendship was ever that great, how can it be all gone locked forever in stoned hearts?

And yet my tears are the only answer I get, the rest is silence and dark, an awfully lot of dark…

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Falling for fall

I've fallen for fall....

A couple of days ago, alone and quite down, I let myself be drawn outside by the warm but gentle rays of the sun... It didn't seem a pleasant perspective at first, as the sun was too bright and the day too nice for my soul. Sometimes when I am sad seeing bright, flowery things makes me even sadder, so going out seemed rather hard.

Yet despite my troubled soul or exactly because of the torments that stormed it, I suddenly perceived fall as a season friend to my heart... After all, fall is a season symbolizing richness but also closure, ending. When in fall of life, people usually know end is coming, similarly, fall regarded as season, is the bridge towards the final stage of nature- hibernation, death... And though dressed up in golden copper colours, I felt fall in my heart as something soothing, like a music that played for my heart's river, it didn't contradict my pains and sorrows, and my regrets and troubles, it rather gave them more power, making them deeper and stronger.

I found a friend in fall, a unique friend that didn't let me down, but rather embraced me as I am, selfish and stupid at times, possessive, jealous many times, shy and closed, in love, hurt, idealistic, strange, pessimistic... all that and many others that so many times made me not such a good friend to others, not such a good friend to myself even... yet, fall confided in me its secrets... and so I fell for fall... for its colours, its fragrance, its promises of end coming...