Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
I know he no longer sees things this way, yet the way we speak to each other now, it's like everything is controlled by politeness, fear of mistakes...nothing is spontaneous there anymore, nothing is close to real friendship and feelings anymore....I am sad, as I know now more than sure that I have lost a friend, and nothing will bring him back, nothing will be able to open the gates of his heart to let me in again as a friend ....sad holidays that i can barely experience....
I just hope for a miracle, if not from his side, at least some memory loss on my side, some amnesia to help me forget about him totally. I don't regret knowing him, or helping him, i regret suffering now for his rejecting my helping him anymore, his no longer needing me beside him as a friend....this is too hard for me to go through, but i know it in my heart he can't find the feelings he would need to forgive me and to care about me as a friend....in the end it was just a book that ended.....he was the reader, closing the book forever, never feeling the need to open it again...i'm just the book, wishing to be opened and read again.
And yet nothing happens anymore... Do i ask too much? For him to care enough for me to be able to forgive me? We are like too strangers who have nothing in common, and this coming after a time when we were very close...I no longer care about him as a woman would care about a man, yet as a friend I can't feel but hurt at his behaviour- distant, calculated, secluded from me into his world, always showing an apparent friendship, from his point of view having done everything to make things better. And yet he doesn't feel how much is missing from our friendship, or maybe he does, but thinks this is a good price to pay to keep me at a distance....I wouldn't know, as we no longer share anything, all we talk is shallow and superficial.... I miss talking about deeper things with him....but again i was just an episode in his life and the quicker i accept the better it might be for me....
He once said he realized he's toxic for me, meaning seeing him....yet, not seeing him is toxic for me, not sharing the same good quality moments with him is toxic... anyway, it is so toxic that it brought a nuclear winter in my heart, something so bleak and waste and deserted that honestly I don't know what can still heal my heart and when...
And yet deep in my heart I still hold on to his words: "You are Family", and know that we always forgive everything in a family, just hope that in time he can find the power or the will needed for him to forgive me and see me as the same good friend I have always been....I really hate knowing that he feels somehow I betrayed him beyond forgiveness.... if what he once said about me being family was true, then he should be able to open his arms and heart again to me one day...who knows when.... I just want him to be my friend again, and these being said I hope again these lines don't upset or offend him, they are just a way to get some things out of my chest, to help me release the pressure I feel constantly, they are not meant to hurt or to accuse anybody...
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
I wouldn't know....I am still naive and stupid and sometimes do things that hurt people, though sprung from my heart and with good intentions, I end up hurting people...I find myself in a bubble where nothing seems to make sense, at least as they used to... My mind is struggling to understand how this new world works..it is a world where two friends hurt each other, but only one apologizes, and that particular one is exactly the one who doesn't get forgiveness, it is a world where good gestures are questioned and undervalued, bringing about not the forgiveness longed for, but rather an abyss of chaos and torments.
And I react badly to this, sometimes I hide myself under a shell, yet at times, I let things out, and when I do that, I hurt people again,even more- no one really wants to feel they made you cry, no one really likes to feel guilty about making you feel miserable. They react at their turn. Most of the time, they run away, guilty feelings and remorse are not for them. After all, if someone suffers is by their own fault. And at those times they forget they found a friend in you in time of need and sorrow, as well as in time of joy, they just let you be, and start minding their own lives, a little bit emptier, but relieved of the burden of you. No more complications, no more the great joy that friend used to bring, but at the same time, no more problems, no more implications.
And yet in spite of all that's been written, or said, or thought, I die a little bit each day, the more so as I am looking for the future of that friendship...and I see none...at least for now. There are times when certain mistakes can never be forgiven or overcome- they remain there like a scar on someone's soul, shaking their confidence in you, their friendly love for you. They don't mean to harm you, they just can't find the strength to go over that; they see you've been suffering and all they can do is get even more shut away from you.. And all I want is him holding my hand in time of sadness, making me laugh, as well as regaining our friendship as it used to be. I want him to let his joy out when seeing me, to hear he misses me, to see him well, telling me that everything's gonna be ok between us- I'm starting to feel I want too much. He may never want to hear from me again, or if he does, it will be just polite requests and conversation, to keep appearances. It's hard for me especially as I don't even know how I could apologize, or if I did apologize, would it work? could he open again his soul towards me, or that is closed for good?
I don't blame him, I just blame life- ironic as usual, has turned against me the man I have feelings for, not my neighbour, not a colleague of mine, not just anybody I would bring oranges to at the hospital, but exactly the man I care about, the man I thought I could help, by just being around, with words or positive energy and thoughts. I failed at my mission, and now I am looking at the remains of our friendship, unable to tell whether its pieces are ever going to be put together again. I read once that broken friendship is like broken glass- you can try putting it back together, but there are always the cracks remaining... Could it be true? Is it true our friendship, no matter how great and deep and true it was, will never be the same? I would pray God to help our friendship be the same. I actually have been praying to God to help our friendship, to help him forgive me and show me what to do right, not to hurt him ever again. And yet my impulses and selfishness are strong. I react to his being distant to me, and by doing that I hurt him again... I need being humble, I need God to help me regain his friendship, no matter how little important this may seem in the large scheme of the universe, for my peace, and for his...
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Late at night …. again, c**ing…. this time not even understanding what I did wrong…. all I feel and know is that an ocean came between us, even more, we seem to be on separate worlds, we no longer speak the same language, have the same thoughts and feelings, and above all we do not even know each other anymore.
Yesterday morning I was so happy…he was gonna return home, safe and sound and with strength in his heart, I was happy things seemed better between us; thus I was urged to make a welcoming gesture…. that somehow made things worse in the end…I am still puzzled how a gesture sprung from the heart and filled with love and positive thoughts might have been almost perceived as bribery for friendship…. Besides, it was also perceived as a gesture anyone could have done, thus making it clear that what I did has little value…. It no longer meant what it would have some weeks ago, now in the best sense was perceived as a gesture people do for a sick person in hospital. I was an anyone for him, no more that special friend he used to turn to. In the worse case, it might have been seen as a rope trying to strangle him into feelings he no longer has for me…like a sort of I am being nice to you, you should do the same thing. Which if you don’t feel it in the heart, it is very difficult to fake.
In fact to be honest, I don’t even know if I got his reaction right…he seemed to insist too much on my not having to do that…the whole thing just left a bitter taste behind…I might have got his reaction wrong and thus made things worse when I spoke, I might have got his reaction right, still making things worse by speaking. I don’t even know…I no longer know if he’s upset or not, I don’t know if he’s still upset about what happened 3 weeks ago or yesterday is also a cause…. I am in a labyrinth where the only clues are my sadness and tears. I have come to be afraid to talk to him, not knowing what to say or not, to avoid upsetting him, or even better to obtain his forgiveness…I miss his happiness when seeing me, his smile, the confidence I could gave him through my words and friendship…It’s all starting to seem ancient history now…there is no longer any friendship, no family, no welcome….just bitter feelings, regrets, words unspoken when they should be, and words said when silence would have been a better choice. All that was beautiful once has remained buried somewhere under a debris of bitter feelings and nothing seems able to bring it to light, rekindling our great friendship. And then I start wondering if our friendship was ever that great, how can it be all gone locked forever in stoned hearts?
And yet my tears are the only answer I get, the rest is silence and dark, an awfully lot of dark…
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
A couple of days ago, alone and quite down, I let myself be drawn outside by the warm but gentle rays of the sun... It didn't seem a pleasant perspective at first, as the sun was too bright and the day too nice for my soul. Sometimes when I am sad seeing bright, flowery things makes me even sadder, so going out seemed rather hard.
Yet despite my troubled soul or exactly because of the torments that stormed it, I suddenly perceived fall as a season friend to my heart... After all, fall is a season symbolizing richness but also closure, ending. When in fall of life, people usually know end is coming, similarly, fall regarded as season, is the bridge towards the final stage of nature- hibernation, death... And though dressed up in golden copper colours, I felt fall in my heart as something soothing, like a music that played for my heart's river, it didn't contradict my pains and sorrows, and my regrets and troubles, it rather gave them more power, making them deeper and stronger.
I found a friend in fall, a unique friend that didn't let me down, but rather embraced me as I am, selfish and stupid at times, possessive, jealous many times, shy and closed, in love, hurt, idealistic, strange, pessimistic... all that and many others that so many times made me not such a good friend to others, not such a good friend to myself even... yet, fall confided in me its secrets... and so I fell for fall... for its colours, its fragrance, its promises of end coming...
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Probably the first thing that impresses the heated traveller in search for refreshment and shelter from the burning sun are the numerous parks Timisoara has. The green of grass and trees are everywhere completing perfectly the very beautiful architecture of most older buildings I came across in its centre.
Beside taking lots of pictures, like any passionate traveller, and admiring the beauty of the shapes and colours of the buildings around Unirii Square, one day curiosity led my tired feet towards a boutique whose catchy poster had been drawing my attention for some days. And thus I discovered a very chic, and comfortable boutique that not only enchanted my eyes, but also my spirit through hospitality, the warmth I was welcomed with, as well as the unique beauty of the designs in display.
Reminiscent of the old glorious days of Timisoara in terms of interior design, the concept of this boutique is totally innovative. Atelier 58 is not just a simple boutique, but rather a home, where you feel welcome and safe while discovering the unique designs of young but very talented artists.
Like under a light breeze, the heavy silk of dresses dances gently but temptingly, urging you to feel the smooth texture. Everything is colour, good taste, imagination beyond boundaries. And your eyes are amazed. You feel almost at home and yet you are exploring a whole new world, discovering not only fashion created by local designers but also new ways of treating yourself.
These and a lot more await you at Atelier 58- elegance, warmth, a nice cozy atmosphere, and above all fashion and jewelry in their highest artistic form.
I spent quite a lot of time there, trying things on, taking pictures, talking with Maria Burnete, the main designer and owner of the boutique....and yet, it seemed like time was flying really fast. Now looking back at my memories there, while also going through my pictures, I know I will have one more reason to return to Timisoara: Atelier 58!
Monday, October 24, 2011
He left now, and i still can't believe he didn't want us to meet, at least for a word of comfort and support, or at least so that he wouldn't leave upset.... I wonder, does he know how much pain I'm going through feeling him closed to me, distant, in his own world, his heart shut away from me? I know i might sound dramatic, and yet among all the apologies I've said, I was left alone, behind like one would leave a burden... which is quite puzzling, since I know it in my heart he is a good man and capable of forgiveness and caring truly for a friend, and yet he couldn't... And it is the more amazingly sad, as I see one more time how months of good deed and feelings and support and great friendship are powerless in front of several minutes of vulnerability and selfishness.... I see one more time that caring for someone is never enough, you still risk hurting his feelings, sending him away in his world where there is no longer a place for me, where I 'm no longer welcomed, no longer family.
People have this tendency of using words lightly, they rarely pay attention to them, some of them give too much hope, just to take it away later, others end up hurting someone's feelings, overall, we, people are not aware of the great power words have, all the promises and feelings they bear with them... Some time ago, when love bloomed in my heart, I was told I am always and forever welcome, as well as family... great words which meant the world to me... and thus the bud turned into flower. Yet, autumn came with its chilly wind covering me in the rustling copper leaves of dying trees. I no longer feel welcome, now it is just the cold feeling of a closed door staring at you... It is so hard to bear no longer being wanted, so hard to let things go after reaching heaven and then falling back to earth.... And all because of words, words I wish I could take back, words that must have hurt his feelings so deeply that he finds it impossible in his heart to open again to me, to really forgive me.... he no longer needs me, or wants to see me, he just speaks to me from time to time, yet he is distant and closed showing me just surfaces and covers.... What could I do to take things back in time, to make him see I am still me and above all, he is still him? Was I such a bad and unreliable and untruthful "friend" that I can be shut away so easily from someone's heart? Maybe I was, in which case, there is not probably much to say anymore...
And yet I so wished I could see him before he left! just to tell him I wish him well, both as health and heart, I wish him all the best my heart could wish someone... to tell him he can still and always trust me, and know he has a friend in me, to ask him to value my friendship as he has always done.
And after so many wishing, I still wish some more....I wish we could be the way we were, before my heart completely shuts itself in a drowning pool of sadness and despair, before my other wish about it turning into stone becomes reality.... And I still wish for something else .... I wish him well, I wish him Heaven on earth, love in his heart, peace in his mind and strength in his body.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Time at first, for this child is nothing more than NOW, tomorrow at best, in case he is some kind of visionary...and NOW is lived to the maximum, no regrets, no doubts, as such notions are still outside the child's universe. Ironically as it may seem, as time passes, with discovery come regrets, doubts and a lot more questions and insecurities. The wonders he used to see in that pair of blue eyes, in the gentle gestures of that hand have long faded away....The child's eyes have, in the meantime, adapted to the dark... and while seeing in the dark, the light blinds him to the point of hurting him.
This darkness has become his daily reality, the horizons, he once dreamed of exploring, have brought but clouds and shadows and unclear lines... the shapes of things have lost their line, the meanings have altered and the child, a man now, has started seeking comfort in his routine. Routine and certain things have come to rule his life now...The miracles of soul and mind, the aspiration for a better self through exploration and reverence for the others, the faith that needs no proof the child used to have are no longer there.....
Instead, you have a burdened man, wandering about aimlessly.... he would, once in a while, feel he has a purpose in everything he does, but watched from above, or outside, he would probably be nothing more than an ant after its mound has been just carried away by waters. And despite all these insecurities and wandering into the dark....he would still take this over the delicate line of light he barely sees at the horizon...it has become a matter of habit and daily routine for him...he's quite comfortable as long as he finds other ants just like him, or even worse...he can become even the king of his "mound"...why go beyond, into something which would surely somehow, challenge him, to a point where he no longer wants to go back- the first years of his life, when things were much simpler, and yet so much closer to that line of light? After all, he has turned into a cynical who has seen evil outside the pages of a book, and who, lo longer protected by the magical hands of his mother, has suffered pain and loneliness, and desperation and who, thus, has come to find comfort in shallowness, pettiness, turning his back to the light. He's too afraid and ashamed and burdened and lonely to ever tread towards the light- he couldn't find the path anyway...he's like the captain of a ship during a storm...you see the lighthouse somewhere at great distance, but winds and waves and fear of rocky cliffs will keep him away forever...or what it seemed forever. Eventually he will end up the shore, but by the time he finally gets there he's powerless- an old man looking back at all his aimless wandering, trembling with disease and hesitation, his mind already in the fog of time.